Share Mom Connections

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 17

I was stretching today, and twisted my back.  It wasn't a hard move, but more like something you'd do when you are backing up in the driveway and twist to look behind you so you can make sure you aren't running over a bicycle, a bigwheel, the curb, or random neighbor children.  But the twist was enough to wrench my back out of place.  I laid around all evening.  I made my children fix me dinner.  And then I watched a funny movie.  Really, dinner was an open-several-cans-and-mix affair, and my boys all know their way around the kitchen.  And I hurt enough that I wanted to quit breathing.  Every exhale was a stabbing pain.  And I got to laugh (very gingerly) with all my boys (and the girl).  How fun is that?

But being hobbled with pain made me feel very vulnerable.  It reminds me of other times when I haven't been up on my feet: the birth of a new baby, the death of a close family member, children in the hospital, a difficult pregnancy, moving to a new house... the list could be endless.  And in each of these times, I always knew I had other women I could rely on.

Growing up with four brothers and no sisters, I missed out on playing dress-up and beauty parlor.  But I am so grateful now for the huge support of many sister-friends.  I have neighbors and sisters-in-law and girlfriends who will help if I called.  Likewise, I am more than happy to give them a hand.  Having connections to other women - other mothers - makes this perilous journey of life more bearable, and downright pleasant at times.

We adopted a great-grandmother out of the adorable elderly lady who lived across the street from us.  She let my three little boys play in her lawn sprinklers during the hot summer when we had only dirt in our yard.  I will always feel grateful to the backyard neighbor lady who let my youngsters play with hers when I'd visit the midwives with my fifth pregnancy.  We moved in three months before the baby was due, and I didn't know anyone who could babysit.  I appreciated the lady who lived up the street who would always take a shortcut through my yard as an excuse to visit me and try to get me to come to local activities.  I've never been quite as relieved as I was when my mother traveled a thousand miles to help me manage things when my husband started chemotherapy.

I have a neighbor who lets me borrow books from her extensive library.  A friend who is coming over to help me declutter my craft and half-finished-project stash.  A sister-in-law who keeps me motivated by talking on the phone with me while I clean the kitchen.  A mother-in-law who tells me stories of raising her own children.  Women have pruned my overgrown bushes, let me cry on their shoulders, and cleaned the grout in my icky shower.  They bring meals for my family, relief for my soul, and a lightness to my heart.

I'm lucky to have friends who stuck by me even when I was down and prickly.  I'm lucky to belong to a church with a strong women's organization.  Wherever I go (we moved thirteen times in ten years!), there are always women ready to help and befriend.  I'm lucky to have (due to my own large family and those of both my husbands) fourteen sisters-in-law!

These strong connections with wonderful women and with motherhood are worth maintaining and strengthening.  I will call the gal across the street to arrange a playdate - and a visit - while her military husband is away.  I am taking dinner to a new mother.  I can attend a local book club.  I go to Relief Society - my church's women's group - every week.  I can grin at the mom of an unruly toddler at the grocery checkout line, and lend a hand if I can.  I will call my friend and not always make her call me.  I should invite that new family over for games and ice cream.  I can even read Mormon Mommy Blogs, which are endlessly enjoyable to me.

But the best thing I can do to share motherhood is to connect the joy I feel at being a mom with the next generation.  I want my boys to know that they can have joy with their wives and children as they play with and support them.   I want my daughter to know that she can find fulfillment in raising fine humans and in refining the domestic arts.  I do want my children to know that a family is a wonderful, endearing adventure, with challenges and hellish moments that can make us stronger and more loving.

I have such happiness from being a mom.  It's only natural that I should want to share it.

Just for today... connect with another mom.  Share a joy, or commiserate (or both!)  Show a child that you love being a mother.

Clean Up Your Act

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 16

I am not happy when I live in a pig sty.  That's what my mom used to call our house (her house!) when we messed it all up.  A pig sty.  And no one wanted to be there.  Not that my childhood home was all that bad - Mom kept it nice - but it wasn't Lysol clean.  I had a friend whose house was immaculate.  Disinfected doorknobs and carpet all combed the same direction.  That was just as uncomfortable as a mess.

But if you do a little bit of tidy, your house will feel better.  And you will feel more happy.  And so will your family.  I won't tell you how to clean because my way is almost certainly different than your way.  Or your mother's way.  Or your mother-in-law's way.  And that's ok.  Figure out whatever way works best for you, then do it.  And have your little ones help.  And then do just a wee bit more.

But here is how to clean your home in 19 minutes.  Want to fake a clean house?  This is my favorite for keeping the whole house clean and manageable.  Tips and tricks are all over.  You can clean up, and it will be worth it.

Just for today... go shine your sink, make your bed, tidy the floor, and start making habits to keep it that way.

Be There

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 15

Sometimes I get all caught up in the "I don't get to do what I want to do" mommy martyrdom.  I'll talk back to myself now.  So quit and make time for some of what you want to do.  And the rest of the time, let yourself enjoy the time with your children.  At the most vital level, children really don't need a whole lot.  They need a standard amount of care-taking, and they want fluff and stuff.  But of you, as their mother, they just want you.  Your time.  Your attention.  Your love.  Your affirmations that they are something really special.

Be there to tuck them into bed, and give them extra kisses.  Thy won't always allow it.

Go to their concerts.  You always dread taking the time, but end up enjoying the music.  And it really doesn't take that long.

Take them to the museum.  Or the park.  Or the library.  Or shopping.  They love going anywhere with you, and it's not as hard as you make it out to be.

Put down what you are doing for just a moment.  Peel your eyes off the computer (better yet, shut it off!), and look at your children.  Make eye contact.  Laugh at the inane joke.  Run outside and see the sunset when they beg you to.  Don't be the "just a minute" mom anymore.

I'm trying to be there more.  and I'm tying to go there more - I'm a such a homebody that going places sometimes bugs me.  But I want to do fun things with my kids.  I want to be a fun mom.  I want to be there when they are happy.  So I even went on a hike with the boys (nearly killed me).  

But they were patient with their old mom, and we made it.  It was an incredible view from the mountain.  And we all had fun.

Just for today... turn off this computer and really be there with your kids.  It's not as hard as you think, doesn't take that much time, and it's kinda nice!

The Most Important Job

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 14

Not long after my first husband died, I dragged myself to a social gathering where one of my favorite artists would be speaking.  I really didn't want to go, and frankly I was afraid to go as a single person.  I'm not great at social things, anyway.  But I mustered up my courage and slunk into a back row seat.  The meeting was wonderful and uplifting, until they announced that there would be goodies in the back.  I can't resist cookies.  As I stood in line to get one, the man in front of me turned around.  I was nearly paralyzed with fear.  I did not want to talk to anyone!  I survived a few sentences of small talk, then he asked me what I did.

What do I do?  What do I do?  I had no idea what to say.  My whole identity of the previous few years had been consumed by caring for my little children and my sick husband.  Now he was gone, and I really didn't know who I was, or what I did.  In my panic, I made the mistake of opening my mouth, and I was astounded at what came out.  I stood there in the cookie line and told a complete stranger all about an entire career I invented on the spot!  He nodded politely, the line moved forward, I got my cookie and ran out.  On the drive home, I laughed until my guts hurt.  I was so ridiculous!  How could I concoct such a story?  How could I lie so badly?

The easy answer is that I didn't know what my job was.  I didn't know how to tell someone what I do all day.  It might look menial to some.  They may think my contributions paltry.  But now I know who I am, and I've learned not to worry about what others may think.  I am a mother.  And that is important.

Some say that motherhood is the most important job.  Others belittle a mother's worth.  Some say that motherhood is not a job, as if we could compare it to something that actually has monetary worth (makes money).  Instead, they claim being a mom is merely a relationship, as if we could strip away all the work and caring and effort it takes to raise a human being.

Actually, someone has done a bit of homework to figure out what it would cost to outsource a few of the jobs I regularly do.  And it adds up to more than $112,000 a year!  I actually feel better about some of my more disliked parenting chores if I think about letting someone else spend those cheerful minutes picking up my energetic kids from school.  Would I rather someone else get my twins through the bath?  Or wait up late for my teens?  No!  I'd want to be there - and that reminds me to be happy.

Besides, I have great job benefits from being a mom.  I have a fabulous commute.  I have job security.  I get to be the boss and determine my own schedule.  Talk about flex hours!  I can sit on the floor, eat food without utensils and take a nap if I want to (and I can make it happen if I really want to).  There is no dress code (although I feel much better when I am a pretty mom).  I have a comfortable work environment, and I get to choose where to set the thermostat.  I am never bored, and have a myriad of opportunities to learn new things.  I love my coworkers, and I can have all the hugs I want without worrying about sexual harassment problems.  And, lucky me, I have a dedicated and understanding partner who helps me as much as I let him.  What a job!

But motherhood is more than a catalog of discrete chores.  It's more than a glorified job title.  It's more than just a relationship or a successful pregnancy. It's a vital role, an amazing opportunity that women get to be at the helm of the most basic units of society.  In my home, I am literally building up my community, my nation, and the world.

"We are living in a great season for all women... You are an essential part of our Heavenly Father's plan for eternal happiness; you are endowed with a divine birthright.  You are the real builders of nations wherever you live, because strong homes of love and peace will bring security to any nation."  -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Just for today... Make a list of the things you like about being a mom.  Or imagine the amazing contributions your children may make in the world, and grin at your power to change the world!

I Like Being a Mom!

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 13

You can get this shirt here

I suppose it might not come as too much of a surprise for me to say that I love motherhood.  I am where I want to be, the mom of my eight children.  I have seven healthy, mostly-happy and mostly-adjusted boys and one sweet, wild-tempered little girl.  I love them all dearly.  And deeply.  And incredibly more than I ever thought I could.

Who wouldn't love being a mom if you got to look like this?  I... well, my Angel looks a bit like this, anyway!

When I was a little girl, I did play with dolls.  And we played "house" a lot with the neighbor kids.  And I caught grasshoppers and climbed trees and read books and rode my bicycle - just like all the other kids on my street.  And my mom was a very important part of my childhood.  She loved me and took care of me and bandaged my skinned knees.  Did I say she loved me?  I knew she did, and I knew that I was important to her.  I saw, through her example, that her role as mother was critical to the happiness of our family.  And I could see that she loved being my mom.

As my younger brothers came along, she taught me how to mother.  I watched her nurse babies (Why are there two breasts, Mom?  One is vanilla, and the other is chocolate, dear.).  I watched her change cloth diapers - and wash and fold them.  I watched her bathe and dress and love my brothers (even when they were pests.).  I learned under her patient tutelage how to clean and care for a home and the people in it.  

I always figured I'd grow up, go to college, get married, and have a family of my own.  If my mom loved it so much, then it must be pretty good.  I was blessed to have her, and I realize that not everyone is as lucky to have such a superb role model.

And now I love, love love my role as mother.  No, I don't love the nasty diapers and cleaning up after stomach flu and late-night homework projects.  My mom wasn't fond of cooking or crafty stuff.  No one is a perfect mom... I'm not sure what a "perfect mom" even is, let alone whether she exists!  But the hugs and slobbery kisses and helping these precious babies grow up to be responsible human beings... it's all worth it.  So worth it!

Eight times, I've been handed a new baby fresh from Heaven.  Eight times I have fallen in love.  And with every week (I won't say every day, because - let's be real - some days just aren't that great.  Some days I focus on the bad parts.), I fall more in love with these kids of mine.  I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I'm their mom.  And I love it!

Just for today... let yourself feel a good amount of satisfaction in just being a mom.

Marriage Bucket List

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 12

Last Saturday I wrote about how having hope - something great and happy to look forward to - is one way to help you be happy.  Today it's about having fun things in the future for your and your hunny.  Make a bucket list of all the things you are looking forward to doing together!  It could be like planning out the highlights reel of your marriage together.

When a couple's bucket list first came up, I loved the idea.  When I asked Trent about trying it (wanted to actually do it before I wrote about it, naturally), he was less than enthusiastic.  I had to rethink making a list, and realized that making a couple's list would be somewhat different from one person's.  I learned that making a bucket list together would require honesty and kindness as you bring up your thoughts and respond to his.

Trent was worried about how I would respond to thinking far into the future, since it usually bothers me.  I had to work through and admit some hangups I had.  Slightly uncomfortable, but I think it was good for me - and for us.

We were able to, after a bit, start writing up a bucket list, and it turned out to be kind of fun.  Some of the things I suggested surprised him.  "Camping?  Like tent camping?  With just me?  OK!"  Other items we had talked about early in our courtship, but forgotten, like taking a cooking class.  Others got us both excited, like making our nasty bedroom into an inviting retreat.  Overall, it was an enjoyable exercise in finding things to look forward to.  And it made us happy.

Just for today... Start a bucket list with {not for} your sweetheart.

Blithe and Breezy in the Bedroom

27 Days to a Happy Mom - Day 11

Blithe: joyous, merry, or happy in disposition; glad; cheerful
Breezy: carefree or lighthearted; fresh; sprightly
Bedroom: that place where we bring all our troubles when we are tired

I don't know about you, but I don't walk into my bedroom at night with a come-hither attitude.  Part of that has to do with the cluttery state of the room (where we keep everything that we don't want the twins to get into);  part of it is my physical exhaustion at the end of the day;  and a good part of it is that I've forgotten how to speak bedroom-ese.  But if, following my own advice, I decide that I want to stay married to this man of mine and commit to make it work, then I get to have some happy action in the bedroom as well.

I find that if I'm frustrated or stressed in our relationship, intimacy is the first thing to go.  I just don't feel affectionate when I'm not happy.  But... knowing that my husband loves to be held, and it's good for our relationship as well, I feel that it's ok if I indulge him even if I don't feel like it.  Because {you know it's true} after a while, I do feel like it.  And I fix what makes me not feel like it.  And then we're both happy.

I won't go into any specifics (my kids are reading!), but date night is a good way to rekindle the fire.  Read what USA Today has to say about the National Marriage Project's report on spending regular time together.  Stop by the Dating Divas for lots of fun and creative date ideas.  And - best of all - please read this post and this one at ablogaboutlove for feeling desirable and lovely.

Just for today... work on feeling beautiful - and then share the love!